...

it's been quite a while... here are a few thoughts.

I've been neglecting my diary lately, many things have happened...

As of December I have graduated my mortuary science program, alas it is time to gear up and find a funeral home in which to do my residency, the last step in order to become a funeral director.

Also recently I have experienced first hand the loss of a friend. Many emotions run through your heart and soul, many confused and some times irrational feelings take over, you just go with the punches I guess... When you first receive the news of the death, it's total shock and a bit of denial, followed by total sadness, mixed with stupor, refusal and anger, then total melancholy alternates with a very strange euphoria... and so you grieve and mourn, and the days go by. The interesting factor is that mourning is a very selfish act, depending on what you believe, when somebody dies, I am of the opinion that the spirit goes on, it is at rest, it has found it's repose. On the other hand we are left with a void that one rarely figures out how to fill back up, no matter what, you are going to stumble upon memories and the wound inadvertently opens up again. Constantly. My dear friend is in my heart now, that's the only place I can cherish his memory.

Such knowledge can only help to improve ourselves.

Having experienced this only makes me even more eager to start working in a funeral home.

This is my calling.

Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!

the tragedy of Antony and Cleopatra

She shall be buried by her Antony;
No grave upon the earth shall clip in it
A pair so famous. High events as these
Strike those that make them; and their story is
No less in pity than his glory which
Brought them to be lamented. Our army shall
In solemn show attend this funeral,
And then to Rome.

is Death the last sleep?

No - it is the last and final awakening.

I just got a chill...

nightmares at the morgue

the start of my third semester of school coincided with the "hands on" embalming classes at the Bellevue city morgue.

an overwhelming sadness takes over me every monday when I have to go to morgue, apart from the fact of never knowing what to expect the contents of the body bag to be, it just breaks my heart to see how many people die in complete solitude, forgotten by their loved ones, if they even had any.

mostly homeless people and old folks from nursing homes end up on our embalming tables...

who knows what amazing things they must have done in their lifetime, I like to fantasize and imagine what remarkable deeds they accomplished, maybe they were so phenomenal that they gave up all earthly possessions and served others, or maybe travelled to far away lands, fought for something they believed in, lost everything and chose to live in complete secrecy in New York so to protect the people they love... creating individual stories for each deceased person helps me cope with the fact that at the end of the day they died alone, no one came to claim them, their committal service is said by one of us after we all practiced our incisions, sutures, injecting and aspirating on them. God bless them.

needless to say, seeing all this death takes some getting used to... I haven't slept all that well lately

grieving when there hasn't been a death

so many factors can prepare you to the ultimate loss of the privation of life caused by death.

recently a dear friend of mine moved away, the feelings of loss are very similar to those one would feel if in mourning, for the exception I can call her any time I want to hear her voice and similar things... but I have had to adjust to her not being around, it's madding how much I miss her, it's like a little part of me died, and the new part isn't quite ready, nor is it even there for that matter

and thoughts like "what happens when I can't call the person I love and care about? what happens when there is nothing left but a fading memory?" arise and keep me awake at night

I'm not at all concerned with my own death, but that of others I care about, what then?

I guess I should not be distressed by these reflections until the time comes, but none the less... I can't get rid of this sad core that's overshadowing my mind lately

a man is not completely born until he is dead

today I had a lot on my mind, and these are a few of my thoughts:

1. thinking about death prompts questions and brings about the thought and effort necessary to acquire an understanding of it. We do not fear what we understand.

2. thinking about it and about it's inevitability and unpredictability makes us more aware of life, more tuned in and more appreciative of each moment and aspect of life.

3. Thinking about it and about the eternity that follows makes the worries and trials of this short earth-life seem smaller and easier to bear; thus it becomes easier to live with the problems and difficulties of daily life.

and this Shakespeare quotation comes in handy:

Be absolute for death; either death or life
Shall thereby be the sweeter.

act III, scene I, Measure for Measure