nightmares at the morgue

the start of my third semester of school coincided with the "hands on" embalming classes at the Bellevue city morgue.

an overwhelming sadness takes over me every monday when I have to go to morgue, apart from the fact of never knowing what to expect the contents of the body bag to be, it just breaks my heart to see how many people die in complete solitude, forgotten by their loved ones, if they even had any.

mostly homeless people and old folks from nursing homes end up on our embalming tables...

who knows what amazing things they must have done in their lifetime, I like to fantasize and imagine what remarkable deeds they accomplished, maybe they were so phenomenal that they gave up all earthly possessions and served others, or maybe travelled to far away lands, fought for something they believed in, lost everything and chose to live in complete secrecy in New York so to protect the people they love... creating individual stories for each deceased person helps me cope with the fact that at the end of the day they died alone, no one came to claim them, their committal service is said by one of us after we all practiced our incisions, sutures, injecting and aspirating on them. God bless them.

needless to say, seeing all this death takes some getting used to... I haven't slept all that well lately

grieving when there hasn't been a death

so many factors can prepare you to the ultimate loss of the privation of life caused by death.

recently a dear friend of mine moved away, the feelings of loss are very similar to those one would feel if in mourning, for the exception I can call her any time I want to hear her voice and similar things... but I have had to adjust to her not being around, it's madding how much I miss her, it's like a little part of me died, and the new part isn't quite ready, nor is it even there for that matter

and thoughts like "what happens when I can't call the person I love and care about? what happens when there is nothing left but a fading memory?" arise and keep me awake at night

I'm not at all concerned with my own death, but that of others I care about, what then?

I guess I should not be distressed by these reflections until the time comes, but none the less... I can't get rid of this sad core that's overshadowing my mind lately